Worldwide the divorce rates are rising causing millions of children around the globe to face family disruption and trauma. Children experience divorce deeply and personally, and the negative consequences are considerably higher for children whose parents divorce than for those from non-divorced families.
The three biggest factors that impact children’s well-being during and after their parents’ separation or divorce are within parents’ control: the degree and duration of hostile conflict, the quality of parenting provided over time, and the quality of the parent-child relationship. Underlying these, of course, are parents’ own well-being and ability to function effectively. By learning how to manage their conflict, parent effectively, and nurture warm and loving relationships with their children, parents can have a powerful, positive effect on their children, even as they undergo multiple difficult changes in their own lives.
Most children react to their parents’ divorce with painful emotions including sadness, confusion, fears of abandonment, guilt, misconceptions, anger, loyalty conflicts, worry and grief. Many children experience feelings of loss when one parent moves out of the family residence, when a beloved pet is left behind, or even when they are with one parent and miss the other. In situations of intense conflict and domestic violence, children may have a sense of relief. Their reactions may vary depending on their ages, but nearly all children share a universal worry: “What’s going to happen to me?”
In addition to revealing these difficult emotions, research also has shown that negative short-term consequences for children after divorce include decreased academic achievement, poor psychological adjustment, social and emotional adjustment, and negative self-concept. Their physical health is compromised, too, especially in situations of high conflict.
While challenges may be unavoidable, law-based conflict resolution can help things return to a new normal.
Thankfully, there are some simple and effective tools that parents can implement to try and avoid conflict after separation and to try and ensure that the confusing and hurtful separation of their parents impacts as little as possible on the children.
SEEING THE CHILDREN’S PERSPECTIVE
Approach your discussions and dispute resolution from the best interests of our children position. Try to limit conflict by asking: is it in their best interests that parents fight all the time and criticise each other or is it in their best interests to see their parents, whom they both love treat each other respectfully?
ENCOURAGE THE CHILDREN’S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OTHER PARENT
Take note that even though you may not love your ex-partner your children still do. Make sure that you encourage contact with the other parent as this will help your children adjust to the separation, which is already a very stressful situation for them to deal with.
Encourage your children to contact the other parent when they are in your care and if that parent tries to contact the children, allow the children to speak to them freely. This helps to maintain the bond between parents and their children and will help the children to not feel as though they have lost a parent at a time when many feel they have lost their family.
Above all else, do not criticise the other parent in front of the children. This is damaging to the children, to the other parent and ultimately will also be damaging to you.
FLEXIBLE ARRANGEMENTS
Establishing a regular routine so that the children know what to expect is important. However, inflexibility and stubbornness will create conflict. It pays to be flexible. For example, if your partner asks to extend contact for a special occasion, remember that you too might also have a similar need at some time in the future.
Also, the age of the children is an important factor in determining what will work-for now. However, as children grow, their needs change and your parenting responses must adapt to those changing circumstances.
RESPECT DIFFERENCES
Parents sometimes have different parenting styles. Just because your ex-partner’s style differs to yours does not make it wrong.
If the difference does not affect your children’s health and well-being, consider being understanding or forgiving of these differences and instead concentrate on the bigger picture. A child’s medical needs may be non-negotiable whereas one parent’s willingness to let children stay up an extra half hour watching TV might be something that is not worth arguing about.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY
Each parent’s time with the children will be more enjoyable and your children will benefit more if each parent is up to date with what the children are doing and coping with.
Positive, effective and respectful communication goes a long way in avoiding disputes and misunderstandings. This will ultimately reduce the anxiety children experience when their parents fight.
IF CONFLICT IS UNAVOIDABLE
Sometimes, one parent may be attempting to be cooperative whilst the other is combative. If you find yourself in a similar situation where the other person is not working with you, you should seek legal advice and consider appointing a professional mediator skilled in alternative dispute resolution.
The focus throughout the process should however be the best interest and well-being of the children and remember the courts will always assist the children and will put their interests above those of the parents or the attorneys.
For legal assistance or training contact Melanie van Aswegen at 0827831316